It’s Mother-Pucking Christmas! by Alina Jacobs
Publication date: November 21st 2024
Genres: Adult, Comedy, Contemporary, Holiday, Romance
When your grandmother stalks the star hockey player on the rival team because “You need a husband, Dakota—you’re not getting any younger!” it’s Christmas crazy on ice.
It is not, however, the start of our great love story.
I don’t date guys on that team.
He doesn’t do casual, drunken hookups, which is all the captain of the Icebreakers is getting from moi.
I give him the finger and tell him I hope he loses his teeth out there.
He smirks and wins the game because both this Christmas season and this hockey season are a fucking scam.
Then my younger, much dumber brother informs me that he owes his bookie a bunch of money and really needs the Icebreakers to lose their next game, and could I pretty please be an amazing big sis and date their captain then break his heart so he’ll suck and lose the game—otherwise little bro will get killed, or worse, our mom will find out.
As much as I eye roll my overly large, overly loud family, I’d do anything for them.
Including date the captain of the Icebreakers.
Barf.
Ryder is a Boy Scout. He doesn’t swear. He uses words like ma’am and sir. On our date, he opens my door, pulls out my chair, and helps me with my coat. He even volunteers at the local animal shelter and loves handmade sweaters.
No, it is not cute! Three warm, gooey cinnamon rolls dressed up as a six-five, hot AF hockey player are not my type.
At all.
Nope.
Santa better bring me something nice this Christmas for all my pain and suffering!
In bed though?
Let’s just say sleeping with the captain of the Icebreakers… is not going to be a problem.
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EXCERPT
“You’re stalking my client,” Hudson yelled at the old woman, who was completely unfazed by his anger.
My teammates’ eyes bugged out like the pugs’, then they all collapsed, howling with laughter, at my feet. Even Coach snickered into his gloves.
“You’re the Crusher?” My mouth dropped open. “You’re the one who’s been stalking me for the last five months?”
“Stalker? Pshaw!” Granny Murray was offended. “I’m not stalking anyone.”
“You’re going to be arrested.” Hudson bore down on the woman.
“Don’t arrest my grandmother,” Dakota snapped at him.
“She’s stalking him.” Hudson made a knife hand in my direction. “Do you know how much goddamn money this woman has cost me?”
“I’m not stalking. I’m leaving him presents and nice notes,” Granny Murray shouted.
Hudson slapped a hand to his forehead. “Notes? They’re fucking pornographic.”
“Now see here.” Granny Murray wagged her finger at the tall man. “I’m just trying to rile him up for Dakota.”
“You frightened him, Gran,” Gracie scolded.
“Oh my god.” Erik gasped at my feet, holding his side. “College Boy is afraid of a little old lady.”
I sputtered, “Shut your mouth, Canada.”
“Are you going to ‘oh heck’ him?” Pete snickered.
“Sonny, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. You seem like a nice boy.” The old woman patted me on the arm.
Hudson slapped her hand away.
“As an apology present”—she grabbed Dakota and pushed her toward me—“I will let you have sex with my granddaughter. She puts out, and her boobs are real.” She squeezed Dakota’s chest.
“Oh, uh…” I rocked back on my skates. “That’s very kind of you, ma’am, but no. No thank you.”
Dakota had the nerve to look offended.
My teammates’ mouths dropped open, then they laid into me.
“Who the hell are you?”
“Fucking Boy Scout.”
“Come on, Ryder!”
“Jesus Christ, College Boy.”
“Dude!”
“Shame! Shame to the family. Shame to the team…” Rick slapped his glove.
“I’m not having relations with her,” I stammered. “I don’t even know her.”
Dakota raised an eyebrow.
Pete muscled up to Dakota. “I’ll take the apology present, beautiful. I have a very nice hotel suite—hot tub, big bed. Expense account.”
“No! No expense accounts,” Coach barked.
Erik shoved Pete aside. “How about a two-for-one deal?”
Dakota looked interested. The pretty brunette put her finger to her lips like she was seriously thinking about it.
I sucker punched Erik.
“Hey!” Coach slapped the back of my head.
I didn’t even feel it.
“You’re not sleeping with her. Certainly not both of you, ingrates,” I snarled.
“Ooh, College Boy is mad!” Rick giggled.
“All of you, shut the fuck up!” Coach yelled. “Shaddap!”
I sniffed.
“Ryder, you’re kind of a prude.” Coach turned on me. “Dial it back. You’re almost thirty, for Chrissake, and for someone who says he wants a family, you’re about as effective as a panda in that department.”
Mike applauded.
“But they’re trying to… you know… with a fan. That’s against the rules,” I argued.
Coach sighed loudly.
“Oh.” Dakota piped up. “I am definitely not a fan. In fact, I hate your team. Arctic Avengers all the way. I’d never date the captain of the motherfucking Icebreakers. I will, however, sleep with you all.” She blew me and my teammates a kiss.
“Fuck that!” My friends refused. “We’re not traitors.”
“Dammit, Dakota!” Granny Murray scolded, “All that work down the toilet.”
“Definitely snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory,” Gracie said.
Dakota scowled.
“Well, that is how the Arctic Avengers do it.” I sneered at her.
Dakota gave me the finger. “I hope you lose all your teeth out there.”
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About the author
If you like steamy romantic comedies with a creative streak, then I'm your girl!
Architect by day, writer by night, I love matcha green tea, chocolate, and books! So many books…
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