My thoughts about Illusion of an Ending ~~
'Every day of my life, I lived a new death.'
How about that for an opening line? It captured my attention for sure.
Illusion of an Ending is a beautiful story about what the afterlife might be like and how those who are gone aren't really gone, they're just experiencing the next phase in their existence.
Jimmy dies unexpectantly in a motorcycle. His mother is struggling with this loss and feels guilty. A lot of things have to happen to connect her with the person who will ultimately help her heal. Are these things all just coincidence or are there mystical forces in place to help the healing?
'But here, James, we exist in our most radiant forms. We are beings of energy and light, able to instantly transform into whatever look we please.'
This story is a wonderfully written story about what might be possible when we or our loved ones pass away. I love the idea of the beautiful world that Jimmy's soul rises to and I especially love the idea that we can communicate with those who have left us.
'If there is anything I must get through your head while I have the chance, it's that there are no ends. Don't you see? The endings are only illusions. They are not real.'
I was totally drawn to this passage in the book. It is a bit of wisdom passed on to Jimmy's mother by the elderly woman she is taking care of in the nursing home. What a wise woman.
'Our paths in life are no highway. Now and again, we all think we're speeding along fine, the wind catching our hair, hitting our face with a warm careening gesture. Then, boom! We realize we are going the wrong way or we blink our eyes and suddenly we're driving down a road laced with pebbles, with one big boulder in the way. No matter our tight grip on reality, we begin to feel absolutely powerless. We recognize there's nothing we can do but turn around and keep moving. We go and go, and maybe we pause once in a while, but we never stop growing. And in that sense, we are more powerful than we often recognize.'
This is a beautiful story about the afterlife and communicating with our loved ones who have passed one, a very uplifting way of thinking about the sad topic of death. I loved it and loved the way it made me think about the possibilites.
Prologue
Jimmy Pollaski
“Unable are the Loved to die
For Love is Immortality,”
— Emily Dickinson
Every day of my life I died a new death.
As the years turned me from child to teenager to adult, I remember wondering what it would feel like to die. How would I know when it happened?
Now, as I ascend over my body lying lifeless in the hospital bed, I see everything at once, know everything at the same time. My mother stands over me, her head low. She’s waiting for a sign to assure her that I’ll be okay. My father sits behind her. His mind is racing, face blank. He never knows the right way to calm her down. Outside, the San Diego sun warms the day to a pleasant seventy-four degrees.
I feel nothing but a rush of energy as the light around me grows brighter. Life isn’t flashing before my eyes, like they say, but showing up in pieces that remind me things will not carry on as they were. I begin to recall events throughout my lifetime where I believed I was coming so close...to a close.
I thought once that dying would be like breaking my elbow after my bicycle flew out from under my eight-year-old body. Pain shot up my arm, folded under at an unnatural angle. Still alive years later, I swore that death would be like the feeling of my lungs collapsing as my track coach yelled, “Only ten more miles!” I thought death loomed after a fifteen-minute swim in November’s North Atlantic, purple shaking lips and rubber skin. When that wasn’t death, I was sure it would arrive the morning after kicking kegs in the woods as the night transformed into dawn.
I recognize my mother’s worry that if the beer didn’t kill us, maybe it would have been the eighty-foot jumps into the quarry’s cavernous waters. The lofty shadows of trees drifted over our drunken heads, stars blinking through the branches. Our bodies floated in the cool water. Our sobriety was the only casualty then. The intoxication never shut me down completely, not even when my eyes shook to a close, opening again four hours later to the sun pouring rays at me as generously as I had let the alcohol flow down my throat. Head pounding, thinking in broken thoughts. Yes, finally, this had to be it. Really dying.
Now I know that these times were only attempts at escape, the way my mother closes her eyes but the world remains around her, the way people are unable to fully detach from the hurt and vulnerability which tie us hand-in-hand to life. We persevere, countless moments of pain leading us to this final moment of release.
Twenty-five years gone by, but it’s my time.
“Mom, I’m okay! I’m right here!” My voice stifles as if I’m talking into layers of sheets that I can’t lift.
My mother’s chin rises. She pulls her cell phone from her pocket.
Thousands of miles away, my sister looks out her window at the snow-covered scenery. The streets are caked in thick ice. She’s clutching the phone to her face, her eyes red and puffy as she dabs them with tissue.
The hospital staff urged my friends to go and rest hours ago. I see them asleep on the couches, the silent glow of the television lighting up the living room.
“I know you can’t hear me now, but I will find a way. There is a way,” I tell them.
It’s only a matter of time before the days align. My path has led me here, the wind pressing against my face, the motorcycle’s engine roaring beneath me. The earth and the ocean smear together at seventy miles per hour. Paths of everyone on Earth diverging, and intersecting.
I watch my mother collapse into the chair beside my dad, his arm cradling her descent. The doctor stands above them. All at once, I feel the delicate hand of my grandmother, its warmth transferring through my body like a comet grazing the sky with a sudden, hot glow. She’s been waiting for me.
My mother’s face contorts. She tosses her face into her hands, head shaking back and forth.
“My story isn’t over, Mom,” I say. “The beginnings and the endings aren’t real. I promise, I will tell you the true story—our story.”
As I speak, the scene closes in around me, forming a tunnel of astounding radiance. Shards of illumination multiply without hurting my eyes.
Today I am dying, yet I feel more alive now than ever before as the world around me fades to light.
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