SUMMER 2021
VERONICA
Grocery List
Milk (Oat, coconut, soy)
Fizzy water (cherry, lime, watermelon, mixed berry)
Chips (lentil, quinoa, kale, beet)
Cereal (Kashi, steel-cut oats, NO GMOs! VERY IMPORTANT!)
Whatever happened to one kind of milk from a cow, one
kind of water from a faucet and one kind of chip from a potato?
My teenage children are seated on opposite ends of the
massive, modern, original Milo Baughman circular sofa that David and I ordered
for our new midcentury house in Los Angeles. Ashley and Tyler are juggling
drinks while pecking at their cells, and it takes every fiber of my soul not
to come unglued. This is the most expensive piece of furniture I have ever
purchased in my life. More expensive even than my first two years of college
tuition plus my first car, a red Reliant K-car that would stall at
stoplights.
I still don’t know what the K stood for, I think. Krappy?
That was a time, long ago, when that type of negative
thought would never have entered my mind, when the K would have stood only for Konfident,
Kool or Kick-Ass. But that was a different world, another time,
another life and place.
Another me.
Another V.
I steady my pen at the top of a pad of paper emblazoned with
the logo of my husband’s architectural firm, David Berzini & Associates.
Los Angeles is the latest stop for us. My family has hopscotched
the world more than a military brat as David’s architectural career has
exploded. He is now one of the world’s preeminent architects. David studied
under and worked with some of the most famous midcentury modern
architects—Albert Frey, William Krisel, Donald Wexler—and has now taken over
their mantles, especially as the appreciation for and popularity of midcentury
modern architecture has grown. Now he is working on a stunning new public
library in LA that will be his legacy.
I glance up from my pad. A selection of magazines—Architectural
Digest, Vogue, W—are artfully strewn across a brutalist coffee table. The
beautiful models stare back at me.
That was my legacy.
“Mom, can I get something to eat?”
This is now my legacy.
I glance at my children. Everything old has come back en
vogue. Ashley is wearing the same sort of high-waisted jeans that I once wore
and modeled in the ’80s, and Tyler’s hair—razored high by a barber and slicked back
into a big black pompadour—looks a lot like a style I sported for a Robert
Palmer video when every woman wanted to look like a Nagel woman.
Yes, everything has made a comeback.
Except me.
I look at my list.
And carbs.
My kids, like my husband, have never met a Pop-Tart, a box
of Cap’n Crunch, a Jeno’s Pizza Roll or a Ding Dong. My entire family resembles
long-limbed ponies, ready to race. I grew up when the foundation of a food
pyramid was a Twinkie.
I again put pen to paper, and in my own secret code I write
the letter L above the first letter of my husband’s name. If someone
happened to glance at the paper, they would simply think I had been doodling.
But I know what “LD” means, and it will remind me once I get to the store.
Little Debbies.
You know, I actually hide these around our new home, which
isn’t easy since the entire space is so sleek and minimal, and hiding space is
at a premium. It took a lot of effort, but I, too, used to be as sleek and
minimal as this house, as angular and arresting as its architecture. Anything
out of place in our butterfly-roofed home located in the Bird Streets high
above Sunset Strip—where the streets are named after orioles and nightingales,
and Hollywood stars reside—is conspicuous.
Even now, on yet another perfect day in LA, where the
sunshine makes everything look lazily beautiful and dipped in glitter, I can
see a layer of dust on the terrazzo floors. Although a maid comes twice a
week, the dust, smog and ash from nonstop fires in LA—carried by hot, dry Santa
Ana winds—coat everything. And David notices everything.
Swiffers, I write on the pad, before outlining “LD”
with my pen.
David hates that I have gained weight. He is embarrassed I
have gained weight.
Or is just my imagination? Am I the one who is
embarrassed by who I’ve become?
David never says anything to me, but he attends more and
more galas alone, saying I need to watch the kids even though they no longer
need a babysitter and that it’s better for their stability if one parent is
with them. But I know the truth.
What did he expect would happen to my body after two
children and endless moves? What did he expect would happen after losing my
career, identity and self-esteem? It’s so ironic, because I’m not angry at him
or my life. I’m just…
“Why don’t you just put all of that in the notes on your
phone?”
“Or just ask the refrigerator to remember?”
“Yeah, Mom,” my kids say at the same time.
I look over at them. They have my beauty and David’s drive.
Ash and Ty lift their eyes from their phones just long enough to roll their
eyes at me, in that way that teens do, the way teens always have, in that
there-couldn’t-be-a-more-lame-uncool-human-in-the-world-than-you-Mom way. And
it’s always followed by “the sigh.”
“I like to do it this way,” I say.
“NO ONE writes anything anymore,” Ashley says.
“NO ONE, Mom!” Tyler echoes.
“Cursive is dead, Mom,” Ashley says. “Get with the times.”
I stare at my children. They are often the sweetest kids in
the world, but every so often their evil twins emerge, the ones with forked tongues
and acerbic words.
Did they get that from me? Or their father? Or is it just
the way kids are today?
The sun shifts, and the reflection of water from the pool
dances on the white walls, making it look as if we are living in an aquarium. I
glance down the long hallway where the pool is reflecting, the place David has
allowed me to have my only “clutter”: a corridor of old photos, a room of
heirlooms.
My life flashes before me: our family in front of the
Rockefeller Center Christmas tree in New York at the holidays, eating colorful
French macarons at a café in Paris, lying out on Barcelona’s beaches, and
fishing with my parents at their summer cottage on Lake Michigan. And then, in
the ultimate juxtaposition, there is an old photo of me, teenage me, in a
bikini at Lake Birchwood hanging directly next to an old Sports Illustrated cover
of me. In it, I am posing by the ocean where I met David. I am crouched on the
beach like a tiger ready to pounce. That was my signature pose, you know, the
one I invented that all the other models stole, the Tiger Pose.
I was one of the one-name girls back then: Madonna, Iman,
Cher, V. All I needed was a single letter to identify myself. Now V has
Vanished. I have one name.
“Mom!”
“Lunch. Please!”
My eyes wander back to our pool. I would be mortified to
wear a bikini today. I am not what most people would deem overweight. But I
have a paunch, my thighs are jellied and my chin is starting to have a best
friend. It was that photo in all of the gossip magazines a year or so ago that
did it to me. Paparazzi shot me downing an ice cream cone while putting gas in
my car. I had shuttled the kids around all day in 110-degree heat, and I was
wearing a billowy caftan. I looked bigger than my SUV. And the headlines:
Voluminous!
V has Vanished Inside This Woman!
If you saw me in person, you’d likely say I’m a narcissist
or being way too hard on myself, but it’s as hard to hide fifteen pounds in LA
as it is to hide an extra throw pillow in this house. I get Botox and fillers
and do all the things I can to maintain my looks, but I am terrified to go to
the gym here. I am mortified to look for a dress in a city where a size two is
considered obese. The gossip rags are just waiting for me to move.
My eyes wander back to the photos.
I no longer have an identity.
I no longer have friends.
“Earth to Mom? Can you make me some lunch?” Tyler looks at
me. “Then I need to go to Justin’s.”
“And you have to drive me to Lily’s at four, remember?”
I shudder. A two-mile drive in LA takes two hours.
“Mom?”
Ashley looks at me.
There is a way that your children and husband look at you—or
rather don’t look at you at a certain point in your life—not to mention kids in
the street, young women shopping, men in restaurants, David’s colleagues,
happy families in the grocery.
They look through you. Like you’re a window.
It’s as if women over forty were never young, smart, fashionable,
cool…were never like them, never had hopes, dreams and acres of life ahead of
them.
What is with American society today?
Why, when women reach a “certain age,” do we become ghosts?
Strike that. That’s not an accurate analogy: that would imply that we actually
invoke a mood, a scare, a feeling of some sort. That we have a personality. I
could once hold up a bag of potato chips, eat one, lick my fingers and sell a
million bags of junk food for a company. Now I’m not even memorable enough to
be a ghost. This model has become a prop. A piece of furniture. Not like the
stylish one my kids are stretched out on, but the reliable, sturdy, ever-present,
department store kind, devoid of any depth or substance, one without feeling,
attractiveness or sexuality. I am just here. Like the air. Necessary to
survive, but something no one sees or notices.
I used to be noticed. I used to be seen. Desired. Admired.
Wanted.
I was the ringleader of friends, the one who called the
shots. Now, I am Uber driver, Shipt delivery, human Roomba and in-home Grubhub,
products I once would have sold rather than used.
I take a deep breath and note a few more grocery items on my
antiquated written list and stand to make my kids lunch.
They are teen health nuts, already obsessed with every bite
they consume. Does it have GMOs? What is the protein-to-carb differential?
Did I do this to them? I don’t think so.
Even as a model, I ate pizza, but that’s back in the day
when a curve was sexy and a bikini needed to be filled out. I pull out some
spicy tuna sushi rolls I picked up at Gelson’s and arrange them on a platter. I
wash and chop some berries and place them in a bowl. I watch my kids fill their
plates. Ashley is a cheerleader and wannabe actress, and Tyler is a
skateboarding, creative techy applying to UCLA to study film and directing.
Ashley wants to go to Northwestern to major in drama. They will both be going
to specialty camps later this summer, Ashley for cheerleading and acting, Tyler
for filmmaking and to boost his SAT scores. My eyes drift back to my photo
wall, and I smile. They will not, however, spend their days simply having fun,
singing camp songs, engaging in color wars, shooting archery, splashing in a
cold lake, roasting marshmallows and making friends. A kid’s life today,
especially here in LA, is a competition, and the competition starts early.
There is a rustling noise outside, and Ashley tosses her
plate onto the sofa and rushes to the door. In LA, even the postal workers are
hot, literally and figuratively, and our mailman looks like Zac Efron. She
returns a few seconds later, fanning herself dramatically with the mail.
“You’re going to be a great actress,” I say with a laugh.
Ashley starts to toss the mail onto the counter, but I stop her. “Leave the
mail in the organizer for your dad.”
Yes, even the mail has its own home in our home.
“Hey, you got a letter,” she says.
“Who writes letters anymore?” Tyler asks.
“Old people,” Ashley says. The two laugh.
I take a seat at the original Saarinen tulip table and study
the envelope. There is no return address. I feel the envelope. It’s bulky. I
open it and begin to read a handwritten letter:
Dear V:
How are you? I’m sorry it’s been a while since we’ve
talked. You’ve been busy, I’ve been busy. Remember when we were just a bunk
away? We could lean our heads over the side and share our darkest secrets.
Those were the good ol’ days, weren’t they? When we were innocent. When we were
as tight as the clover that grew together in the patch that wound to the lake.
How long has it been since you talked to Rach and Liz?
Over 30 years? I guess that first four-leaf clover I found wasn’t so lucky
after all, was it? Oh, you and Rach have had such success, but are you happy,
V? Deep down? Achingly happy? I don’t believe in my heart that you are. I don’t
think Rach and Liz are either. How do I know? Friend’s intuition.
I used to hate myself for telling everyone what happened
our last summer together. It was like dominoes falling after that, one secret
after the next revealed, the facade of our friendship ripped apart, just like
tearing the fourth leaf off that clover I still have pressed in my scrapbook.
But I hate secrets. They only tear us apart. Keep us from becoming who we need
to become. The dark keeps things from growing. The light is what creates the
clover.
Out the cabin door went all of our luck, and then—leaf by
leaf—our faith in each other, followed by any hope we might have had in our
friendship and, finally, any love that remained was replaced by hatred, then a
dull ache, and then nothing at all. That’s the worst thing, isn’t it, V? To
feel nothing at all?
Much of my life has been filled with regret, and that’s
just an awful way to live. I’m trying to make amends for that before it’s too
late. I’m trying to be the friend I should have been. I was once the glue that
held us all together. Then I was scissors that tore us all apart. Aren’t
friends supposed to be there for one another, no matter what? You weren’t just
beautiful, V, you were confident, so funny and full of life. More than
anything, you radiated light, like the lake at sunset. And that’s how I will
always remember you.
I’ve sent similar letters to Rach and Liz. I stayed in
touch with Liz…and Rach…well, you know Rach. For some reason, you all forgave
me, but not each other. I guess because I was just an innocent bystander to all
the hurt. My only remaining hope is that you will all forgive one another at
some point, because you changed my life and you changed each other’s lives. And
I know that you all need one another now more than ever. We found each other
for a reason. We need to find each other again.
Let me get to the point, dear V. Just picture me leaning
my head over the bunk and telling you my deepest secret.
By the time you receive this, I’ll be dead…
My hand begins to shake, which releases the contents still
remaining in the envelope. A pressed four-leaf clover and a few old Polaroid
pictures scatter onto the tabletop. Without warning, I groan.
“Are you okay, Mom?” Tyler asks without looking back.
“Who’s that from?” Ashley asks, still staring at her phone.
“A friend,” I manage to mumble.
“Cool,” Ashley says. “You need friends. You don’t have any
except for that one girl from camp.” She stops. “Emily, right?”
The photos lying on the marble tabletop are of the four of
us at camp, laughing, singing, holding hands. We are so, so young, and I wonder
what happened to the girls we used to be. I stare at a photo of Em and me lying
under a camp blanket in the same bunk. That’s when I realize the photo is
sitting on top of something. I move the picture and smile.
A friendship pin stares at me, E-V-E-R shining in a sea of
green beads.
I look up, and water is reflecting through the clerestory
windows of our home, and suddenly every one of those little openings is like a
scrapbook to my life, and I can see it flash—at camp and after—in front of me
in bursts of light.
Why did I betray my friends?
Why did I give up my identity so easily?
Why am I richer than I ever dreamed and yet feel so empty
and lost?
Oh, Em.
I blink, my eyes blur, and that’s when I realize it’s not
the pool reflecting in the windows, it’s my own tears. I’m crying. And I
cannot stop.
Suddenly, I stand, throw open the patio doors and jump into
the pool, screaming as I sink. I look up, and my children are yelling.
“Mom! Are you okay?”
I wave at them, and their bodies relax.
“I’m fine,” I lie when I come to the surface. “I’m sorry. I
didn’t mean to scare you.”
They look at each other and shrug, before heading back
inside.
At least, I think, they finally see me.
I take a deep breath and go down once more. Underwater, I
can hear my heart drum loudly in my ears. It’s drumming in such perfect rhythm
that I know immediately the tune my soul is playing. I can hear it as if it
were just yesterday.
Boom, didi, boom, boom… Booooom.
Excerpted from The Clover Girls by Viola Shipman,
Copyright © 2021 by Viola Shipman. Published by Graydon House Books.
